Profile Responses

Jackie-
I think that the subject of your profile necessitates there to be a conflict in the story; a debatable point or something that needs to be exposed and analyzed. If this is going to be about Lisa Ailstock then we need to see more of her and from more angles. I think the places where you have left room for quotes are good and will help build the content. If this is a profile and critique of the Health Center and the health services provided at K College, then there needs to be more observations and facts about them specifically. If you are going to be a character in this piece (where you mention missing the “old Health Center”) then I think we need to see more of you and get more of your opinions and experiences. I like the form you have chosen for the lede but I want more sensory details to get a better picture of the place and scene. Maybe go through your interview and find the most evocative quote or idea and build this profile around that.


Mae-
There is a great dichotomy in this piece between the patron’s of the bar and how the author feels in relation to them as the daughter of the bar owner. I’d like to see more of that. I like the opening sentence and the following one but the rest of the lede could relate information more pertinent to the rest of the piece. General descriptions give us a sense of the patrons but give more specific details about certain ones. Also, I’d like to see the owner of the bar better and hear his voice as well. Give us more about the location of the bar in Kalamazoo; what’s going on in the street outside at the concurrent time. You’ve done a really good job of letting the words of the characters show us who they are, rather than from subjective observations. This gives real authority to the experience and to the reporting. The end seems to be drawing together various elements but still seems unfinished. While I don’t think that the author has to have a definite final opinion, giving the reader a stronger sense of possible conclusions to draw would better resolve the many issues developed in the piece.


Regis-
This lede reads more like an opening to an essay rather than to a profile piece. Grab our attention and set the tone for the rest of the piece right from the start. With some slight tweaking the second paragraph is a good lede. I like that a history of skateboarding is included, although some of the background is unnecessary for the theme. On that note, the theme or central idea needs to be further developed; is this about the skate park or long boarding? The descriptions of the park are quite good, and I think should be the focus of the piece. Quotes from the kids at the park are used effectively to set the scene and give personality to this place. Also, the inclusion of your own experience there really gives authority to the writing and this is a good way in which to draw a final conclusion, by writing of your own experience at the park. The alternation from background information to observations at the park creates a strong, varied, and intriguing narration; keep this form.



Elizabeth-
I love that opening sentence! The things that I would like to see more of in this piece: 1) physical descriptions of Sandy and Kim, 2) more on why raising livestock is a better financial investment for the farm (a wider agricultural analysis, but briefly), and 3) a few more descriptors of Willie and the physical farm and house. You do a really good job of adding personal voice to this piece and getting at something larger than just “the problem of the gay pig.” This is fun to read and draws me in; the form is strong too. Work on the conclusion so as not to leave us conjecturing as much.



Toni-
I think this does a really good job of situating a specific local in a specific location and discussing how it fits in its environment, is part of its environment and interacts with the people there. I think it covers a lot and does so thoroughly. There are two areas I have noted for consideration: 1) I’d like to see more physical description of Juanita and Jamie, and 2) the author’s voice, to me, reads as too easily seeking a “good-hearted” story; paints too pretty a picture. I’d like to see more of the back-story behind the opening of the restaurant; struggles then and now; or any other areas in which business ownership and management have been troublesome. This will make the content more whole, I think. Nicely written.



Martin-
I really like that this piece takes a definite stand in regard to the establishment being profiled. I like the conversation style and the author’s personal voice in the piece. I’d like to see maybe one more strong character to emerge, but the two included now are well developed. I think this piece takes a unique perspective and delivers it in an engaging way; it offers a point and evocatively argues it.